What are Relationships?

This ‘topic for understanding’ provided by Humanity School

Quotes

The depth of our concern for another IS the connection
“Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining IS the connection.
There are love-dogs no one knows the names of.
Give your life to be one of them.”
Jalalludin Rumi

Elements of relationship

See others as a subject or an end
“Even he who does not regard himself as an absolute end, rebels against being treated as a means to an end, as subservient to other men.” Man Is Not Alone, Abraham Heschel, 195
“I do not find the human being to whom I say You in any Sometime and Somewhere. I can place him there and have to do this again and again, but immediately he becomes as He or a She, an It, and no longer remains my You.” 59 “You is more than It knows. You does more, and more happens to it, than It knows. No deception reaches this far: here is the cradle of actual life.” I and Thou, Martin Buber, 60

Elements of relationship

Constantly look into the heart of people and things
Look for the core. Understand the truth of another.
It’s a rare and beautiful gift to see another. As they express themselves, wait, look, and listen. Your own way stops, and it’s possible to perceive what is actually being expressed, and what is actually there. Unblinded by dogma, you see the human. When you finally respond, it will be to the whole person: who they really are, inside.
Having seen past oneself, one can begin to understand others: not just their thoughts, motives, and needs, but who they really are, inside—the deep, secret truths that animate them.
There are ways to see: exploring, delving, finding the core. We can cultivate various abilities and skills of seeing through accidental and temporary qualities, to get to the real meaning of things, events, and people. We can develop the capacity to see the truth about things and persons, and to understand what is most important: what degrades and what elevates.

Elements of relationships

Care for what is good and true
Our perceived needs – what we think we want, and what we think we feel – may be mistaken. We may consciously wish for things that are useless or destructive. We want to find the secret behind the desire, cultivating the total well-being of those we care about: what can improve and elevate, what is highest and best. It seeks deep and abiding health. It aims for holiness, truth, and beauty.
See what is missing. A person is not just who they are at the moment. We all contain a mystery that has been suppressed. Can we find what is missing, and what could make one thrive? This is the real truth of another.
“I trust in the nobleness of human nature, in the majesty of its faculties, the fullness of its mercy, and the joy of its love. And I will strive to love my neighbour as myself, and, even when I cannot, will act as if I did.” The Genius of John Ruskin, Fors Clavigera, The Catholic Prayer, 415

Insights

The truth of our concern for another is always recognized
True kindness. “Treat the servant kindly, with the idea of turning his gratitude to account, and you will get, as you deserve, no gratitude, nor any value for your kindness; but treat him kindly without any economical purpose, and all economical purposes will be answered; in this, as in all other matters, whosoever will save his life shall lose it, whoso loses it shall find it.” The Genius of John Ruskin, 234

Activity

What is the truth of those you love?
“When we are in love with someone, we are prepared to tell ourselves lies about the other person in order to preserve the ‘good feelings.’ In our heart of hearts we may know that the person we adore is a liar, or an alcoholic. But to confront the truth carries consequences we are not prepared to face.”
“People in groups also learn together how NOT to see – how aspects of shared experience can be veiled by self-deceits held in common....The motivating force behind the forming of shared illusions in a group is identical to that in the self: to minimize anxiety.” Street Reclaiming, Engwicht